Property Detail

Description

PROPERTY OVERVIEW: Prepare to be utterly disappointed by this so-called “paradise” sprawled over a measly 4.22 acres in the heart of nowhere. This 4-bedroom, 3.5 bathroom atrocity boasts approximately 2,500 square feet of pure regret. *****FEATURES YOU'LL DESPISE: *** BASKETBALL COURT: A brand-new court that practically guarantees missed shots. Even our agent couldn’t sink a basket. *** FRONT DOOR: An obnoxiously large 6’ x 9’ glass pivot door that screams “Look at me!” *** POOL: A so-called “spectacular” pool that’s more eyesore than oasis. *** BARN TURNED SHOP: We ruined a perfectly good barn to create a massive shop space. No horses allowed; just your boring work truck and storage. *** PRIMARY BATHROOM: Features a two-person shower and a standalone bathtub, because who doesn’t love wasting water? *** NATURAL LIGHT OVERLOAD: Huge skylights flood the home with unwanted sunlight. *** WOOD-BURNING FIREPLACE: An outdated heating method that requires actual manual labor. *** MATCHY-MATCHY INTERIOR: Matching cabinets and countertops throughout the house for those who lack imagination. *** OUTDOOR AMENITIES: An outdoor bathroom with a shower next to the pool and an outdoor kitchen, because walking inside is just too much effort. *** EXCESSIVE LAND: Over 4 acres with the potential to build an ADU, inviting more people to invade your space. *** SOLAR PANELS: PAID LG solar panels that eliminate your electricity bill. Who wants free power anyway? *** PRIVATE WELL: A 10,000-gallon holding tank ensures you’ll never pay for city water again. How dreadful. *****Price: We’re asking an absurdly high price to ensure this property remains unsold. *****Contact Information: Please refrain from reaching out. But if you must, contact our agent who is reluctantly handling this listing. *****Disclaimer: All descriptions are drenched in sarcasm. In reality, this property is a rare gem waiting for the right owner to appreciate its unique offerings.